It’s a cold and rainy Saturday morning here in New York. I’m up early, with very few lights on, looking out the kitchen window. In my Examen prayer, I kept coming back to sadness. In praying through it, I kept asking God what it was he was wanting me to know about him; about me; about the sadness. “Please, God, I prayed, help me understand.” I didn’t get any answers. Just darkness and sadness and a feeling that God is ok living in the midst of those emotions and feelings. And that he is ok with me living in the midst of those feelings and emotions... and not having answers. Yikes! Sometimes it’s hard to know what to pray for (or to look for), let alone to be able to find it.
And isn’t this the great struggle of our world? Bono captures the dilemma eloquently in one of the greatest Rock & Roll Gospel Songs of all time. He talks about a life well-lived, with an amazing list of both worldly and spiritual accomplishments — of climbing high mountains, of speaking with the tongues of angels, of feeling healing fingertips. And yet, still, he hasn’t found what he’s looking for. He talks about the ways we in which we compromise our core values at times in our quest — of how holding the hand of the devil would feel warm, and yet still feel as cold as a stone. In the height of his frustration, Bono talks about all that God has done to point us to The Way, and yet still we can’t seem to find it. “You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains; carried the cross of my shame... you know I believe it ... but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”
I also kept coming back to the fact that my prayer for our world this Advent season is that we would all somehow become a little more compassionate and understanding of each other. Where there is fear and distrust, show grace and humility. Where there is anger and hostility, show love and compassion. Most of the people in this world (even those we despise the most) are simply doing their best to muddle through... to find happiness... to find wholeness... to be reconciled to their truest selves... to find God. The problem is that through all of the chaos and all of the noise that surrounds us, it becomes harder and harder even to know what it is we are looking for, let alone to find it (maybe that was Bono’s real problem; and maybe that’s the ultimate irony of his masterpiece).
We are relentlessly assaulted with distractions, especially during Christmastime, that lead us to believe we want something much different than what we need. Even worse, as the perceived antagonists in our lives get louder and become more amplified, we become more focused on our fear that these antagonists are trying to stop us from finding it... or worse, that they are trying to take it from us. We are like mother lions, trying to feed our cubs, with hungry hyenas standing just beyond our reach. If instead, we could find our way to focusing more on what it is we’re looking for - and less on how others are trying to stand in our way of finding it - suddenly we would see them as they really are; just moving all around us in similar directions, all looking for the same thing. And we would know with all certainty, that there is more than enough for everyone once we get there. We just need to help each other to find the way.
The golden nugget for us I believe, in Bono’s lyric, can be found in the first half of the third verse. “I believe in the Kingdom come, then all the colors will bleed into one!” When we understand what it is we are truly looking for, and that all of those around us are really just looking for the same thing; and when we know in our hearts the bounty that is available to everyone, all of the chaos suddenly disappears and “colors bleed into one”.
“Taking the five loaves and two fishes, he looked up to heaven and said a blessing ... and all ate and were satisfied.” (Matthew 14:19-20) This holiday season may we see each other for who we really are, may we recognize the bounty that has been placed before us, and may we all be able first to know and then to find what we’re looking for.
I’m still hoping that someday I will be able to meet Bono, if for nothing else, to explain to him the importance of never ending a sentence with a preposition. Of course, I suppose “Still haven’t found the thing for which I am looking” doesn’t quite have the same ring. Which explains why I’m a lawyer; and not a lyricist.